


Fallen Angel

by Mad_Birdy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:36:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14495085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Birdy/pseuds/Mad_Birdy
Summary: Gadreel can't live with the decisions he's made.





	Fallen Angel

**Author's Note:**

> another old first person fic I wrote many moons ago. and a song fic. great.

**Late at night I could hear the crying**  
**I hear it all trying to fall asleep**

Just as my eyes were closing to drift to sleep, the sound of sobs found my ears. I sat up, frowning, head cocked to the side. Who was that? I rolled out of bed, the bunker’s concrete floor cool against my bare feet as I left my room and followed the sound. It led me to the bathroom, and I became even more confused as I listened at the door because I could have sworn the voice that muttered unintelligible sentences between sobs was Gadreel’s. But why would he be crying in the bathroom at this time of night?

 **You do it all for my own protection**  
**You make me feel like I’ll be okay**

This wasn’t like Gadreel. He was the strong one. He was the one who’d seen my old cutting scars while patching me up after a hunt. He was the one who’d looked at me with sympathy and compassion and had told me that he was there for me if I ever felt that way again. And he had been, night after night, as the search for Dean grew more and more futile and I began to think we’d never find him, only a never-ending trail of dead bodies.

The longer I stood at the door, though, the more certain I became that it was, in fact, the former angel who was crying inside, and I tried the handle. It was unlocked, so I eased the door open and there, slouched bare-chested in the tub, was Gadreel, rivers of red flowing from cuts on his wrists.

 **How do you stay so strong**  
**How did you hide it all for so long**

My body was moving before my mind could even register what the blood meant, and the next thing I knew I was kneeling beside the tub, first aid kit open at my side, and pressing gauze onto the cuts to stop the bleeding. Somehow, my brain managed to function outside of the emotions that raged within me, and I knew the cuts were meant to kill, were meant to take his life. But why? Why would Gadreel want to do that?

That’s when I noticed the scabs that criss-crossed his forearms, and my stomach clenched. He’d been hurting himself for weeks, and I hadn’t noticed. How could I have missed the signs? How had he been able to hide it that well? I cleaned and bandaged his wrists, the questions tumbling over and over in my mind.

 **How can I take the pain away**  
**How can I save a fallen angel**

“Gadreel,” I said quietly once the wounds were wrapped. “Gadreel, what’s going on? Why would you do this?” Wetting a cloth, I began to gently wipe the blood away from his arms, chest, and legs, giving him time to answer. I found myself humming, and slowly, he began to relax. He wasn’t sobbing any more, and his ragged breathing was evening out. The fear I had of looking into his eyes and seeing something terrible faded, and I finally looked up, locking eyes with him. There was sadness there, despair, pain, disbelief. “Gadreel,” I whispered. “Let me help you.”

 **A fallen angel in the dark**  
**Never thought you’d fall so far**

His hands gripped mine, then, and he nodded, and together we stood. I helped him step out of the tub and we headed for his room; I’d clean up the mess in the bathroom later. Together, we sat on his bed, and he curled up into the fetal position, arms wrapping around my stomach and burying his face in the material of my shirt. I ran my fingers through his hair, humming, and that’s when the words began to pour out of him.

“I have nightmares about falling. Every night. And around me I hear the screams of my brothers and sisters, but most especially I hear the screams of those I killed. I see their faces. Abner, and the others, and Kevin. Even Thaddeus, though he is always taunting me, telling me I have wasted both chances at redemption that I have received. And he’s right, isn’t he? I have failed my father too many times. I do not deserve this life.”

 **Fallen angel, just let go**  
**You don’t have to be alone**

His words were desperate, broken, and my heart twisted in my chest, because I knew. I knew what he was going through. And so I took his face gently in my hands and raised him up to look at me. “Gadreel,” I said, staring into his eyes. “That’s the whole point. Forgiveness and mercy, grace and redemption, those aren’t things you can earn. They are things that are given to you, freely. I can’t say why God chose to bring you back after your sacrifice, but maybe it’s because he knows, like I do, that you’ll use the second chance to do better.”

Doubt filled his eyes, and he opened his mouth to argue, but I put a finger to his lips and continued. “You have been doing better, Gadreel. I promise. I know being human isn’t easy for you, but you’re helping us find Dean, despite the fact that he tried to kill you the last time he saw you. And these?” I traced my fingers over the bandages on his wrists and the faint scar on his chest that the suicide sigil had left. “These will heal, and will serve as reminders of how far you’ve come, and what you need to do still.” I smiled softly at him. “You need to live.”

 **Fallen angel, close your eyes**  
**I won’t let you fall tonight**

Tears obscured the green of his eyes, and he was crying again, burying his face in my shoulder and soaking my shirt with his tears. I rubbed his back and held him, humming quietly again. Eventually the tears ran out, and he fell quiet, breathing heavily. I laid him down and pulled away to leave, but he gripped my hands and looked at me, a thousand unspoken words in his eyes. “Stay.” Nodding, I laid down next to him, and his arms wrapped around me, holding me close to him. I kissed his forehead and ran my fingers through his hair, knowing he was fighting off sleep even as I felt him grow heavy with exhaustion.

“Sleep, angel,” I whispered to him. “I won’t let you fall tonight.” He relaxed then, his breathing became shallow and even, and I thought I saw the slightest hint of a smile grace his lips as he fell asleep.

**And I, I can save a fallen angel**


End file.
